your profile here[:!

10:52 pm, Sunday, August 24, 2008

post number 456 on eyegummy-.blogspot.com. (:

it'd been a great journey here,

but alas,

i'm moving on to somewhere better. (:

http://precisepolaroids.wordpress.com

thanks for all the wonderful memories shared on this blog (:

9:48 am, Wednesday, August 20, 2008

this is the number 455 post i have on this blog. (:

much to say, but my thoughts just cant be put into words.

i dont know how.

all i can say, is that i'm on the road of recovery.

and i'd be bouncing back before you know it.

must be the wonderful bike ride, and waffles galore! :D

but yet there's this side of me, that's afraid to lose.

haha like how grey's anatomy according to yiwei puts it,

"it's good to be afraid. it means that you've got something to lose".

dont make sense, but sounds so philosophical right!!!! (:

anw, i was taking the LONG circle back home from buangkok mrt home yesterday (not the walk straight down the slope home in 10min road), took me 40min, in the rain. it was a really good feeling considering the fact that i was so bottled up i guess. haha and i couldnt go cycling and all ): so this alternative was the best that i could go. was thinking about the past, and all those times where i'd be going out every single day after school, to meet different people, to maintain relationships and all, and just to like, have a life. what was i trying to prove man? to show that i can balance my work and play? to show that i have a life and all? yesterday, i stepped into city hall for the first time in like how many weeks. and the moment i tap my card, it felt so good. it was something like homecoming (okay im insane), and everything just reminded me of those days, where such places were the usual hangouts after school. i felt a little sad, like i've not much time to go out nowadays, and everyone's so busy anyway. but yet, i was really really contented, about how i've been spending the days recently with the ones i really really care about, and i dont regret spending my time with them. (: i'd rather spend all my life, just lazing around with my dear ones nearby, than meet different people every single day and trying to find out what's going on in their lives.

that said, it's not that im not gonna catch up with my dear friends and all, it's just that, i've never realised how tired i was doing so for the first few months of this year. but but but, i wont not catch up with people and all, because, i need to do so. i want and need to have all these relationships in my life, without which, how would i survive? ironic isnt it? i guess all i need is to escape (as usual) from the world, take a lill break, and i'd be up and around in no time. (:

i used to be damn sad over the fact that i thought that i had no friends, when i scroll down my phonebook for someone to call at night, or people to meet up with after school. you can say i've changed, you can say i've grown, but now, i guess i dont really find the need to do so anymore. and anyone who i call out now, would genuinely be for the sake of catching up and just having fun, keeping the flames of the friendship going (not like i've havent been doing this genuinely in the past, it's just that there was this certain point in time, when i got so jadded that meet up sessions became routine, and i no longer felt the excitement of seeing people whom i've havent met for like a month). which sucks.

now, im really grateful for having found the bestest soulmate alive, who would stick through it all with me, and fight the world by my side. (: and that, matters.

was thinking of moving away from blogspot so that i can actually lock my posts. but my livejournal username is stupid, and livejournal's skins are like EW. anw, so i very impulsly created a wordpress account. which according to stupid stitch sounds twitty. and yea, im undecided on the new name for my blog.

that said,

i guess i'd be moving really soon. (:

10:37 pm, Sunday, August 17, 2008

it's just me.

at the end of the day, it's just me.

the cause of it all.

so why do you even care?

screw the world.

9:34 am, Thursday, August 14, 2008

i'm totally convinced that blogs are facades

talking face to face/on the phone is so much better.

and more real.

"we all have our own problems.

and we fear to get judged by the world because of them"

true?

8:50 am,

i am no saint.

so dont impose your expectations on me.

because i'm afraid i wont be able to live up to them.

dont make me try to conform to your way of life.

because it takes time to adapt, and i cannot afford to waste any.

dont make me try to see things the way you see them.

because i think my perspectives had been altered.

stop pushing me to the brink.

because i think im about to crash and burn.

i dont wish to disappoint you and break your heart.

i just need some space to breathe.

some time to mend the broken heart.

the broken soul.

and find myself back again.

thinking of escaping is one thing, actually doing it is another.

and the latter would be the braver one to do. but the former, the more sensible path.

take me away.

the hear already will cry song of the moment, sadly no one will sing it for me ):

Savage Garden - Crash and Burn

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
Its hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you cant take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump Ill break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
Youre not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
Youre caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you cant face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump Ill break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
Youre not alone

And there has always been heartache and pain
And when its over youll breathe again
Youll breath again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump Ill break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
Youre not alone

and this song had been stuck in my head since i dunno when.

Corrine May - If i kissed you

If I kissed you
Would fireworks fly
Woud angels sing with lollipops
Would dinosaurs cry
Would babies all gurgle in laughter and surprise
If I kissed you.

If I kissed you
What would Michaelangelo say
Would he still have sculpted David
Would we be immortalized in clay
Would the poets write of love like ours
Would John Donne have his say
If I kissed you

You could be one in a million
You could be the one for me
But l guess I'll never know if I never try
I guess I'll just have to grab you in my arms and kiss you.

If I kissed you
Would you lose track of time
Would you feel a surge of happiness
Running up your spine
Would you run naked in the street
with a tattoo of my name on your behind
If I kissed you.
Oh, if I kissed you
Yeah, if I kissed you.

5:10 pm, Friday, August 08, 2008

"Find out what you want, imagine things as you want them, build new ideas of life, stop believing that some people are lucky and some must be poor, change your ideas and find that life is a beautiful adventure, that each day brings new opportunities to those who will lift their eyes above the everyday grind. "

- Venice Bloodworth

9:58 pm, Thursday, August 07, 2008

the pen is mightier than the sword.

words hurt.

i'll bounce back.

someday.

where are you when i need you?

i wish time would stop.

and rewind.

all the way back.

to the before-tj days.

i am not gonna say life sucks.

because sucks is not the word to use.

it seems worse than that.

i dont know why i get so affected over such shit stuff.

but a part of me actually thinks i do know.

it's all actually very small issues.

but i hate it when it all comes together.

all at the same time.

hello lor,

and i especially hate it,

when you dont even want to check things clearly first,

you anyhow assume.

anyhow impose your assumptions on me.

use your shit ass attitude on me.

i dont think you have the rights to judge me based on what you perceive.

and anyhow go tarnish my image based on your own narrow point of view.

i dont even know why you are doing that for.

and isolating me out of your little world.

yea fine, be that way.

because, i'll only be stronger than you can ever imagine.

and if you think the above stabs you enough,

well, actual fact is the above x20.

shit ass world.

shit ass stuffS

shit ass timing

shit ass.

i dont know how to survive at school without you. ):

One Step At A Time - Jordin Sparks

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you’ve always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can’t touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you’re gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you’re feeling more and more frustrated
And you’re getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
On step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You’re confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

When you can’t wait any longer
But there’s no end in sight
It’s the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

[Chorus]
Take one step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
On step at a time

3:06 pm, Wednesday, August 06, 2008

www.mymms.com

i totally LOVE this. haha as if im not a die hard m&ms fan already, this one totally blew me away! :D :D :D OMG i'll marry whoever who buys me this! (so materialistic eh! haha)

m&ms are best for cheering me up. (: (:

4:13 pm, Tuesday, August 05, 2008

it's always when i have loads to say and i dont know where to start, when i will use numberings for my blog posts. (: i think numberings are good for the soul. oh wells. here we go.

1. taiwanese buddy arrived in singapore on sat. haha. shall upload the photos up soon! but meanwhile, here's what we'd done so far for the past few days :)

26th july: went to pick her up from moe edutorium which was freaking far. but before that, it was SPEECH DAY @ CRESCENT. omg and surprisingly, i didnt feel a single thing at all. no homecoming mood nothing. haha although i do miss the train rides with my dear cloney in the mornings ): guess it's cuz i keep going back, until it's like so normal for me alrdy. usually i'll be really really excited, my heart's pumping and all that shit. took tons of pics (which are in pokxy's camera, send me okay winks!) and zoom zoom off to have lunch with the 4g2 gang and buy a welcome gift for the taiwan buddy! ohoh btw, her name is xinrou. so yeah (: and she's really nice. and shopaholic material? yeah cant wait to go shop over there omg! the whole exchange gift process was so weird because we just had to go on the stage and do it, in front of all the moe people and taiwan ambassador person. haha. lucky her, my cousin was getting married at night, so we chionged to this wedding dinner, before going off to the night festival at the musuem (: OMG. the whole picture reflected on the museum building itself was really really nice. and beatnik picnic by zouk was good. and yup, details after this shall not me mentioned. but oh well, i didnt spend the night with my buddy in the end, because she wanted to go home and sleep. so i sent her back to sleep, and reached home the latest (or rather, earliest) in my entire life. (:

27th july: haha we just went party world with the rest of the taiwan people from tj. and took like neoprints, and we went home for dinner i think? yeah. inserts HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUIGUI balloons here. (:

28th july: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR LEE. i really miss him teaching me math a lot. esp with ___ around now, oh crap. i swear i never hated maths so much before. xinrou's first day at sch. haha attended some lessons with us, and the system was so different so i guess they were very very amused. they collected the tj uniform and all, and yup, after that we went home for some singapore food i think. sorry cant really remember cuz it was like so long ago. and i had pizza hut for lunch HAHA. i love pizza hut.

29th july: i cant believe it. it was pizza hut AGAIN for lunch. with angel. had to go for this welcome dinner at meritus mandrin at night, and it was really really good! like 10 course meal, with a lot a lot of performances by the taiwan schools, nj, hwa chong and rj. haha edweewee was SO CUTE. (:

30th july: haha no matter how early i end sch, i had to stay and wait so so long for the buddies to be done with their after school activities, like cricket, floorball, oac adventure tower etc etc. anyhows, nothing much eventful, just had eclub which was like whoo! (insert sigh of relief) and ate out at tampines mall where she bought many many cute cute items home. and i got her farewell present, which, i've yet to start doing. SO DEAD. haha it's more worth it for them to shop for small gifts here because clothes are just so not worth it. i cant wait to go over and buy tons of clothes, and accessories, and shoes and all, haha not so much of the studying and sight seeing though. just shop shop shop.

31st july: swensens' at airport after school. HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIMIKO. haha it was to celebrate rimiko's bday. took tons and tons of pics, got much closer to some of the taiwan people. and i cant believe we spent like 1h+ counting the bill. AND taiwanese arent used to staying out late! haha like 8pm want to go home alrdy, oh well, i hope it will be fun there man. can u imagine, like 8pm go home from the night market? ): haha.

1st august: ohohoh school was a dread today. wth. singfest tickets were gone. and so were many other intangible things. like friendships. but like what angel said, hello ah, if they be my friend just for the singfest tickets, then im utterly disappointed. ): haiz i dont know. life is so f****ed up. okay i dont usually swear. so yeah, i guess im really getting more vulgar nowadays. shit. someone snap me outta it. went to thaipan for the 1st time in my entire life today. the butter squid was really good! and ice cream chefs with the girls after that. haha hate that area, cannot get cab one. oh wells, anw, like 3/4 of the activities are spent with the taiwan people from tj, and it had been really really quite fun, just tiring and all

2nd august: sentosa! im burnt like crap. my nose is peeling. haha got dumped into the sea, and and played volleyball. got closer to more of the taiwan people, and yup, it was quite fun! :D went over to my grandma's house after that with xinrou, haha she was totally amused at my cousin and all. and after that, it was off to angel's house for a stayover! (without my buddy, oh crap i feel so bad for dumping her behind, but this is like once in a lifetime so yea, and she didnt want to come! ): ) details cannot be leaked here. can ask me if ya want (: we slept very very late (or should i say early) and i totally stayed until after lunch.

3rd august: before chionging home to change. and off to town again to take neos with xinrou and my sis, and for her to try the ice cream wrapped in bread. and then chionged off to pierce her ear. and then off to the singapore flyer which was OMG nice but overrated. ): i wanted to puke. and it's like $1 per minute. DAMN. but the sunset from up there was really nice! just that it was foggy and i couldnt see indonesia. but come to think of it, why would i want to see indonesia?!

4th august: had lesson observation as part of the experience teaching through service learning scheme by moe at temasek primary. omg the p5 kids were so cute! was utterly pissed off today again, by some shitass issue. anw, let's not talk about that, and and we went to tampines mall again to eat. haha. supposed to watch money no enough with the taiwan people, but my buddy had work to do instead (like do a powerpoint slide for the farewell dinner this wed, i hope i wont cry or smth)

5th august: 2.4 run today. crap. my timing was bad. (our favourite number is, um, 99) HAHA guess my position! no point for guessing it right! (: lesson observation again later. p1 kids. just realised i have tons and tons of work to do, just that i'd been procrastinating non stop. once they go home, it's no more play and more work. sucks man.

this whole immersion thing is definitely more fun than the hangzhou one i had at the end of sec3. oh man. at least taiwanese kids have more of a life! (: shall send them off at the airport on thursday. and i'm gonna TRY and get into my study mode. because...

2. it's 7 weeks to promos! -screams

3. im super worried for pokxy. haven't been talking to her for so so long. and things doesnt seem too good. but no matter what, hang in there pal, im always here and you know it. :D

4. i really want to go for a sleepover again. ):

5. i guess we all have a secret life. do you? because i think i do. and not many people know about it, except like lets say, omg 1?! yeah. it's this side of you that you cannot show to the world because they will judge you for it. you will lose your credibility (not to say i have any to start with) and people will start viewing you in a different light. it is this side that you try to hide. and one day, perhaps, someone else will know.

6. i've found the reason for me to not die so fast. (:

7. thank you for showing me the world. thank you for all the fun times and wonderful memories. though short it may be, it's the longest journey of both self discovery and exposure ever in my entire life. thank you for all the joy and crazy moments. thank you for all the time spent with me. thank you for loving me for who i am. i love you, alaska. (:

8. come to think of which, i've been seeing ___ _____ for like almost all 7 days a week for the past say, 6 weeks?! omg.

9. hello, and if you think im attatched just because facebook says so. or that i am like glued to my phone or smth in school, just to let you know, im not. (:

what if i turn bi?

4:10 pm, Friday, August 01, 2008

im alone at the airport now, frantically trying to change money so that i can go back to school. because, I JUST LOST MY EZ LINK CARD. DAMMIT. ):

while, trying to destress to extra shot caramel frap at starbucks, and mashed potatoes and cheesecake bites at popeyes later.

DAMN.

11:35 pm, Thursday, July 31, 2008

it's important that we treasure all the time we have with someone.

and when the time comes for us to go our seperate ways, there will be no regrets.

it'd just be the tears, not of joy, not of sorrow, but of one full of hope and happiness for the other person, knowing that the other person is better off somewhere else.

happiness, it's describable, yet indescribable.

it's something you have to try it out for yourself.

sorrow, it's indescribable.

it's something which you wont even want to try it out at all.

so please, make every moment last.

there's no point being sad and all.

because, you wont know when the time will come, when the real sorrow will take over.

and you'll realise, that the whole process before, was a much happier one afterall.

and then regret will come, for not spending enough time together.

and to those who think im attatched, im not.

live and love. live with love. live for love.

11:25 pm,

hello hello. there's tons for me to blog about. but it's like i reach home everyday at 11pm++ so so so, there isnt much time. and im not really sorted out with my thoughts and feelings and all. haha and as much as i dont wish to be cooped up, i cant help but feel this way. so sorry to those who had to see the ugly side of me these days. :( hahaha and im really sorry if i've hurt anyone with my foul mood and vulgar language. omg it's really getting very bad. anw, i'll blog again once everything's settled down. haha and hopefully you'll all see the chirpy side of me once more. (: meanwhile, here's a quick lill post to tell you, that this blog isn't abandoned! :D

12:15 am, Saturday, July 26, 2008

taiwan buddies coming over tmr for 2 wks of homestay. say byebye to life ):

anw, crescent's speech day tmr, hoho so exciting! AND AND AND it's like after that right, i have to go and buy the welcome gift, AND AND to meet the buddy all the way at MOE Edutorium, AND AND to rush for a family dinner with the dunno how many million cousins and relatives frm my father's side (someone's getting married i think), AND AND rush off to meet the taiwan gang again to go for the night festival. SIGH I HOPE I DONT DIE. ):

i love alaska, and not-alaska very much. (:

thanks for showing me the world.

11:19 am, Wednesday, July 23, 2008

i was looking through my sms inbox and saved messages today. and i realised, that i've really grown. and all those messages through the tough times that say "it's okay, it'll be fine" etc etc, "you'll survive", is all true. what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. i thought fairytales didnt exist, but they do i guess. life isnt bleak. haha. took me long to get that point. oh wells, and a lot of people had grown as well. (just by seeing how the messages evolve) (: for the better in fact. and i could really see all the lessons learnt, the way the brain gets wired differently, different thoughts etc. and for this, i'm glad.

10:41 pm, Tuesday, July 22, 2008

after many suicidal thoughts,

i've decided that i'm not gonna die so early.

all thanks to the beautiful australia pics that i saw.

and i realised that i've haven't travelled around the world yet, so how can i die so soon!

sigh, how foolish was i.

10:06 pm,

these are some notebook covers that i totally love, and agree with. i'll love anyone who'd get me this! (: haha just kidding.

(i totally agree with this)

dark knight surprisingly made me scared and sad. haha. it's very tragic to know how some people can change from being so angelic and nice to becoming so mean and evil, all because of the threat and manipulation of someone else. and the good always has to hide, or escape and not let anyone know about what they had done, with those more outspoken ones claiming all the credit instead. this, sad to say, happens not only in the show, but in the real world as well. and only this time, batman is not here to save the day. fear, is indeed, the only thing that would create chaos.

12:03 pm,

there's so many things running in my head, in my life, now, i dont know where to start. (which explains why i havent been blogging for so long)

1. i really think blogs are facades, which wont be true all the time. it's just there for people to see. and only when you really start to talk to the person, can u really know what is everything about. we always try to put our thoughts on to blogs, but yet not state the exact situation, and much is left to one's imagination. we try to use chimo english to describe how we feel, to show the feelings of pain, of joy, to try to show the situation we are in to the world, when in actual fact, can never really be fully describable in words, only human interaction/experience can fully show. we get sad when nobody read what we write. and worried when too many do. when all it takes, is just simple words so show how we really feel.

2. im getting worried for pokxy. and i really want to meet her soon.

3. it's like nowadays, at different point of the days, i'll start missing different people. but it always boils down to the usual few. especially these days, i keep thinking about a05, and all the fun times we had ponning class, gambling, abel trying to commit suicide (: just simply puts a smile on my face. people i want to see right now: angel, yuexi, yiwei, study buddy gang, dee, a05!!, g2 pals, games gang, clown. (in no order of importance i swear)

4. it's only when bad things happen to your life, that you will really know who truly care. thank you guys so much for being there the past few days. it hurts to know that when u cry in class, and no one bothers to come over and ask are you okay. it hurts. i wasnt much disappointed about how you treated me, i was very disappointed at how the rest reacted. (see what i mean of we cannot really describe the whole situation!) and i cannot believe the world is so childish. so yeah. and what my big sister said really made me think: it's not as if you would still keep in touch with them 30 years down the road.

5. i finally know what it means to love, and be loved.

6. i love heart to heart talks. (: been spending the last few days doing that. and im loving it.

7. you would never believe this. i sat in a ____________. :D but im not a materialistic person.

8. i got a huge craving for popeyes now. shit.

9. you think i might be bi? okay, i know you are freaking out, please dont. help! :(

10. e-learning week is good -> i can go out. e-learning week is bad -> no one is free to go out. e-learning week is good -> i can slack and pretend that im doing work (which i always do, and everyone thinks im the busiest person in the world, wow), and there's not much work to do. e-learning week is bad -> i am nagged at to pack my room. :(

10:29 pm, Thursday, July 17, 2008

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

hossan leong has the same birthday as my sister. i can imagine myself fainting now. why can't it be meeeeeee ):

and i think i found his hp no. OMG OMG OMG someone please stop me. OMG OMG OMG.

8:25 pm,

i dunno why i'm feeling this way but yea. all i want to do is to curl up in my bed and die. either that or sleep in an air-coned engine-on car. or dig a hole in the ground and never surface ever again. i guess i need a break. something like go to the beach and scream my lungs out or smth. and i dont even know the cause of this whole shit crap issue. okay, actually i do. and i think it's very unfair for you to judge me like that so yea. oh wells, please dont mind my mindless rantings. i just need somewhere to type everything out and just ahhhh, you know what i mean. and counting that so many stuffs been happening lately, at school, at home, i think its quite normal for me to feel this way huh. okay maybe not. shit i think im getting into depression. my uncle and mum said tt i've lost some weight, and and and symptoms of depression is like: suicidal thoughts (okay not really, but i'm recently very cool about death, like it doesnt really matter to me, i can die now and i wont mind, smth like that), weight loss, anti-socialness (i'm quieter than usual in class, and my mind's always thinking of the end of sch) and and i cannot remember. ohoh i think the next symptom is memory loss or smth. ): i like swimming because i know i dont have to struggle to stay afloat. i like swimming because when i cry, the tears look like swimming pool water. and i like swimming because every single part of the pool looks different, and amidst the grey clouds in the going to rain sky, i can see the patches of blue, and that looks nice. i like bowling because when the pins go down, i feel like im at the top of the world, and i can be as pro as i wanna be. i like bowling because by focusing on hitting where, my mind goes blank and i dont have to think about all the crap that im thinking of now. but but but, i get so utterly sad when my score doesnt hit the avg i always get. i think im too much of a perfectionist.

ohoh and did i mention that angel totally made me cry. not once. but twice. (fills the page with hearts)

it's friday tomorrow, and im really really excited. i think im turning into a, nevermind. alcowhorelik

get me away from here, i'm dying (okay actually i wont mind if you just let me die)

i'm afraid of what the world would see me as.

i'm afraid of what you would think of me.

10:02 pm, Wednesday, July 16, 2008

my life is screwed up upside down.

but i'm thankful for the friends i have.

those who would stick by, when the world walks out.

thank you. (:

3:30 pm, Tuesday, July 15, 2008

hello, here's a very very insightful article by Sumiko Tan (my favorite columnist!) i saw in the Straits Times last sunday. (: it's really worth pondering: whether does it matter to us what people think of us. and personally, i think it does. especially since the weird strengthsfinder quiz thingy that was compulsory for us to take states that my traits were: Woo (win over others), communication, positivity, empathy (WTH), individualization. haha.

woo: People who are especially talented in the woo theme love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. They derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person.

communication: People who are especially talented in the communication theme generally find it easy to put their thoughts into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters. (what rubbish)

positivity: People who are especially talented in the positivity theme have an enthusiasm that is contagious. They are upbeat and can get others excited about what they are going to do.

empathy: People who are especially talented in the empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others' lives and others' situations.

individualization: People who are especially talented in the individualization theme are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. They have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.

okay, true to a certain extent. but read carefully, dont you feel all the points sound the same? either that or i'm really really like that.

back to sumiko tan:

Does it matter what others think of you? 

Yes, if it has to do with work, but otherwise, I frankly couldn't care less

Recently, my office embarked on the mother of all performance reviews - 360-degree feedback.

Some section editors were selected for this pilot project. We were assessed by not just our bosses - as at the traditional year-end appraisal review - but by our peers and subordinates too.

Each of us was rated by five bosses/peers and eight subordinates whose identities were kept a secret. They scored us on qualities such as decisiveness, fairness, integrity, teamwork and composure.

They also had to write down things about us that we should 'continue doing', 'start doing' and 'stop doing'.

A score was tallied for each quality, and we could compare it with the overall average scores of the others. We then had a session with a consultant who walked us through our results.

The aim was for us to become more aware of our shortcomings, work to improve them and hopefully emerge better managers.

I don't know about you but I've always been apprehensive about hearing feedback about myself.

In school, I'd cringe at my teachers' remarks in my report cards, even if they tended to be positive ones such as 'pleasant', 'polite', 'quiet'. (I was a trouble-free child.)

At work, I approach the year-end appraisal season with a heavy heart.

I take positive comments about myself with a pinch of salt because, inside, I know I'm not that great a person or worker. Yet I react to negative comments with some umbrage because I know I'm not that bad a person or worker, either.

In any case, the 360-degree project provided some interesting feedback.

Unlike the year-end appraisal, we were judged on not just our performance but also as a person.

I received some generous comments but also some of the other variety which made me reflect on myself and my working style (the exercise worked, I guess).

Will I be a better manager for it? I don't know, but at least I'm trying to, among other things, curb my apparent appetite to 'micro-manage', learn to 'delegate more and relinquish control occasionally', and 'start talking to more people in the newsroom'.

The 360-degree exercise threw up other home truths: It is hard to please everyone, and not everyone is going to like you even if you try to win them over.

It works the other way round too: I don't necessarily like everyone, even people whom others like.

So much of human interaction, whether at work, at home or in a social setting, has to do with chemistry.

You either have chemistry with a person or you don't, and you will know it the instant you meet.

Chemistry is hard to manufacture even if you try. It can be a passing thing and need not lead to a friendship. If it does, it can also die when the relationship ends. Chemistry is no guarantee that ties between two people will last forever.

It is also a different animal from love, or lust, at first sight. You can fall head over heels for someone yet realise later there's no chemistry between you.

A few weeks ago in the course of work, I met two men from the same organisation.

One I couldn't click with, I don't know why. We were polite to each other and braced for the sort of small talk one must engage in, in these business situations. But we had nothing to say after the introductory pleasantries were over. Conversation frayed. My mind raced to patch the silence but I drew a blank.

I took to the other person much better. Maybe it was the way he laughed and how he reminded me of the sort of guys I knew from school, I can't put my finger on it.

But I felt comfortable with him and though we had been strangers a minute before, the small talk was effortless and in no time we even got to talking about his son.

Blood ties don't guarantee chemistry either. There are relatives you click with and those you don't. Even parents are known to have better chemistry with certain children.

This social ease, or unease, you have with others manifests from a young age. Kindergarten pupils form alliances with some and not others. It carries through school to the workplace.

There are colleagues whom I click with even though they might be 10 or 20 years older or younger, and others I can't even if we are close in age.

There are those I can share a joke or sarcastic comment and know they will get where I am coming from, and me them. Others you feel awkward with and even if there's nothing unpleasant between you, you avoid going into a lift with them.

I suppose the kind of people we get along with says a lot about ourselves. Whether we're conscious of it or not, we measure people against our own interests and values. Those who seem to have a similar outlook - even if it is a gut feel on your part that they do - you connect with.

Psychologist Daniel Goleman writes about human rapport in his 2006 book Social Intelligence: The New Science Of Human Relationships.

'Rapport exists only between people; we recognise it whenever a connection feels pleasant, engaged and smooth,' he says.

'But rapport matters far beyond those fleeting, pleasant moments. When people are in rapport, they can be more creative together and more efficient in making decisions - whether it is a couple planning a vacation itinerary, or top management mapping a business strategy.

'Rapport feels good, generating the harmonious glow of being simpatico, a sense of friendliness where each person feels the other's warmth, understanding, and genuineness. These mutual feelings of liking strengthen the bonds between them, no matter how temporary.'

It does hurt when you realise someone doesn't like you, but should it really matter? Should you care what others think of you?

I suppose you should in a work situation where the reason you're there is to get things done, and it's hard to do so without teamwork.

If you don't get along with your colleagues, you won't get their full co-operation to see a task through, and it is unlikely they will show the enthusiasm and commitment needed to see the task through well.

But outside of work, I frankly couldn't care less.

I start from the belief that I should be nice to everyone. But if it is not reciprocated or if I can't connect with the other person even if there are no bad vibes between us, so be it. I'll move on and not look back.

I can't control how others think or act. What I can control is how I think and behave, and to me, life is too short to be marred by unpleasantness.

We can't be indifferent to human interaction, but to keep sane, I want to surround myself - yes, all 360 degrees - with those I can click with, and keep those I can't at bay.

frankly i couldnt agree any better. (:

3:08 pm,

i've been online since i dunno what time. and i haven't done a single shit. best. stupid itunes. i swear i'm hooked. (:

song of the moment, by belle and sebastian (who sang the pizza song in juno soundtrack!), totally reflects what i'm thinking: get me away from here, i'm dying.

aiya, just let me die:

Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying

Ooh! Get me away from here I'm dying
Play me a song to set me free
Nobody writes them like they used to
So it may as well be me
Here on my own now after hours
Here on my own now on a bus
Think of it this way
You could either be successful or be us
With our winning smiles, and us
With our catchy tunes, and us
Now we're photogenic
You know, we don't stand a chance
Oh, I'll settle down with some old story
About a boy who's just like me
Thought there was love in everything and everyone
You're so naive!
After a while they always get it
They always reach a sorry end
Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then
With a winning smile, the boy
With naivety succeeds
At the final moment, I cried
I always cry at endings

Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
From where I'm sitting, rain
Washing against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write
"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"
Said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"

11:53 am,

hello hello,

it's 11.50 on a tuesday morning. yes, i've ponned sch once again (: but this time, cause i'm really sick okay! my cough's been like there since a week ago, and just when i thought i've recovered from my "no voice" phrase, this morning my voice is like :S

haha and i dont miss school a single bit. (:

can't wait to see edweewee at hci tmr! for the taiwan dance pract, which i dont even know a single shit about what im supposed to dance. hehe.

last night was a disastrous experience so yeah. dammit.

oh wells,

just keep going strong! (:

planet fitness trial starts next week. hoho intimidating i swear.

11:09 pm, Monday, July 14, 2008

steps to calming down (according to me):

irritation to screamings to anger to bitching to crying to more bitching to listening to "lean on me" to the wiping away of tears to making sense out of the lyrics to smiling.

10:20 pm,

i hate my fonts. there's seriously seriously something wrong with it. GRR. ): anyone knows anyway to fix this? ):

10:00 pm,

i never knew a song could make me cry. until today.

thank you so much <3

my stitch/b is for big sister/pants/bad influence/inner voice/soul... and many more. (i cant rmb what else right now :P)

Lean On Me - Michael Buble

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain

We all have sorrow

But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

hello hello, i went dempsey again on friday (: i love going to dempsey. but of course i cannot tell you what i did there, so that's for me to know, and for you to find out. (: haha but if you're really curious you can come and ask me. but please, dont judge me because of that. oh, and did i mention that i love going to dempsey? (:

life's a beach. yes very true. haha and to think i was in my oh-so-depressed mood last week, whatever for man. sigh, i guess we all have those times when we get under the weather, and everything doesnt seem to have a purpose (well, i still think so now, but just not so bad), and we all have some days when we get into our "lets wallow in self-pity and sorrow" mood, but i'm back and bouncing again, so yay! (:

to those out there who are feeling like this, just stay strong, hang in there, and enjoy the ride. (: and to pokxy, dont stress okay! it aint that bad, im sure u'll survive. you've survived i&e comm so why not? considering the fact that i was very hard to work with okay. haha. (: and to angel, i'd be here, anytime. (: promise me... -winks

loads of shit to do, loads of shit to think of. ):

hello you, i think the feeling just died away every since i saw that page in your life. i dont feel as mad as i was before anymore. should i? or should i not? let me go write down into my pros and cons book man.

its only monday, and i cant wait for the weekends already (:

10:29 pm, Thursday, July 10, 2008

OMG.

the tune for I did it my way by Frank Sinatra and Comme d'habitude by Michel Sardou is the SAME. dammit. comme d'habitude (which means as usual in french) was sung so much nicer by hossan during the show. (:

anyhows, i dont know why but work just keeps piling in, and i'm still not driven crazy yet. surprise surprise! shit history lesson today, now i have to hand in this essay for my friends to mark. wth. and i didnt do the tutorial because i really really lost my notes. dammit. can't believe he actually made me like stand in front of the class and teach. wth la, i dont even know what the question was talking about.. cause i lost the paper in the first place! grr. and to make things worse, he even had to shine the projector onto my face and the light was like killing me. i swear if i was wearing contacts, the lenses would have melted already. okay, im damn grossed out by history.

just did a test on this strengthfinder thingy, which is like compulsory, and my strengths are like WEIRD.

anyhows, final final jcts results out tomorrow! i cant wait to see my grades (though they suck like shit. like eeesu or smth) ):

it's so fun to go home with chunhan and angel. haha.

how the heck am i supposed to finish my eom in like 1/2h!? ):

i need to manage my time more properly.

okay, im still damn grossed out by the same tune thing. you mean there's really no creativity left in this world? ):

2nd last econs lesson with ms wong today ): i swear she totally called my name like 10 gazillion times, but since i wont be able to hear it any longer, i just let her call. haha. (: i'll really really miss her heaps man. ):

my vocab's so restricted and limited that if you dont know me, i sound like a kindergarten kid fiddling with blogger. ):

TGIF. tomorrow!! (: (: end of the weeks always sound so fun. friday nights + saturdays = no study day! but then but then. i have to attend this un seminar thingy at ralc on sat, 8 to 5.30 OMG shoot me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL NEO :D

11:14 pm, Wednesday, July 09, 2008

i like talking to my inner voice because that is when i really find out for myself who i really am.

you might think im crazy, but yea. haha.

i like talking to my inner voice because that is when i can sort out my thoughts clearly instead of them being lumped up in my head and i get all emo instead.

i like talking to my inner voice because i would be able to see things in a different light.

i like talking to my inner voice because my inner voice gives me hope to live on.

i like talking to my inner voice because i get the feeling that i'm grown up.

i like talking to my inner voice because my inner voice can read my mind and know what i want to say next.

i like talking to my inner voice because the conversation never stops.

meeting = nerve-wrecking. but i'll survive (:

11:30 pm, Tuesday, July 08, 2008

agreed. totally.

agreed. minus the wrinkled parts.

8:27 pm,

"Good life starts only when you stop wanting a better one".

i shall be contented with what i have. and stop ranting. complaining. and think more positively. yes, i shall do that.

and work harder for my econs (which i had let the world down with). (:

9:46 pm, Sunday, July 06, 2008

i feel like this starfish on the beach.

1st glance at this pic, you'd think wow damn nice sky.

look closer, and you'd find that the starfish is all alone on the beach.

no it isn't fine.

though the sky's the limit, and there's no obstacles whatsoever blocking the starfish, the sad thing is, the starfish cannot move! :( so no matter what, all it can do is just to sit down there, stare at the world go by. how sad.

okay no. now i dont really feel like the starfish. at least i can go stuff to help the world. like go volunteer in africa or smth. and if i die there, i wont have any regrets, cuz i know that i've done something meaningful in my life. what makes me feels like the starfish is the alone part. sometimes, dont you just feel that you are alone in this world? and that some one up there is controlling you, like in a sims game? and every single one of your actions is so transparent. and i think that feeling sucks. ):

there are so many million and one grey areas in life. and i dont like it. :( why cant things be a lill more simple, just tick or cross la. so hard meh.

come to think of it, if i happen to die now, i wont really mind. no regrets. (: but like what yiwei told me via msn, it's damn irresponsible, people have to clean up all my tasks and think about all the mess i leave behind, like the people i leave behind. nono im not thinking of committing suicide, it's just this idea. swear i wont drop dead and die. but what if. what if i ever do. who would cry the most for me? what do i exactly leave behind? isn't it better that there's a lesser burden for the world to bear? okay fine, i promise i'll like watch over my dear ones in heaven, and when they all die, we can like meet once again. ta-da, happy ending. but as jim says, there will be times, when someone will think about you, and miss you dearly, and you can't get the feeling back just by looking at the picture. i know how this feels. and it sucks. ): but of course i wont bear to die _ ______. so yeah maybe now's not the time.

"so don't think that when you're gone it won't matter, it will, to some, not all, but there will be people..."

i've found my inner voice today.

literally!

it was so real, just like me talking to my soul.

i never knew that there was someone 95% like me.

i heart angel.

time does matter, or does it not.

the way that humans interact is so weird. it's like you can spend all your life getting to know one person, when in actual fact, at the end of the day, you dont really know that person at all.

and some things just come naturally to you. you dont really have to look that far, to find that all you've been looking for all these years just comes smacking right in your face in an instant. everything happens damn quick. and poof, there is it. a month was all it took. in the middle of the night, you know who to call. at last.

alcohol is the anesthesia to the pains of the world.

5:20 pm,

i can't help it but post this: reading the emo blog of others' makes me feel sad. and somehow, i feel that i can relate exactly to what the whole entry(s) is trying to say. maybe i'm just being too overly sensitive (as usual), or that whole world is going through the same thing (which is highly impossible) and all that happens is part of life.

have you ever had the feeling of loving someone,

and not knowing if the person will love you back?

yeah.

i think it's the insecurity that makes me feel scared.

i'm amazed at how fast the world is falling in love. and it sucks to not feel that way to. ): okay shit, i need to get away from this peer pressure thing.

i'm off for a run to get my mind off things. (:

4:38 pm,

ikea is the new love. (:

it brings me so much joy to step into that place!

and of course, i started my impulse shopping spree all over again. hehe.

bought like very very nice 3m long of rainbow boxed wrapping paper, and 3 sets of 8 colourful hangers and this orange gardening can which i totally psyco-ed myself that it can be used as a magazine holder.

haha and guess what. everything cost less than $10. WOW.

i love ikea because..

1) it really lets my imagination run wild looking at all the possible items that can be created from that plain item

2) the meatball rocks

3) they have rainbow and striped stuff eg, carpets, mugs, cups, spoons, forks, lampshades, wrapping paper, bedsheet, chair, notebooks (which i NEARLY bought on impulse, until i realised i had not enough $$$), posters, photo frames, SOFTTOYS and tissue paper. omg my heart melted

4) the ice cream rocks

5) they were having sales today!

if i ever have a home, i think i'm gonna decorate it to be very very rainbowy and very possibly ikeay. but of course, i just want a nice home will do. dont have to be big or anything. just nice. (: i love love love love the rainbow items in ikea, and i wish i have the $ to buy everything ):

throat's better today, but i still croak, which explains why i couldnt sing during mass just now. and it sucks that the guy next to me kept staring cause i produce very very horrible noises, that i just decided to shut up halfway through. but at least i can talk properly now though (:

supposed to be doing the eclub ppt now, but look at what im doing. ): shit shit i need to be more productive.

meanwhile, i miss a lot of people a lot now. ):

21-25 july is e-learning week at tj = no school = time to go out yay!

haha (: -winkswinkswinks

if you want to go out with me do tell me k (:

youth day holiday tmr.

meeting up with the mrt gang and games gang (: hohoho it's been a long long time. at least there's something to look forward to. and guess what, i'm back to my 4-day week routine again. (: or maybe this week shall be 3? considering the fact that i dont usually go to school on fridays (if mt sees this im so dead).

i love you of course.

10:20 pm, Saturday, July 05, 2008

one of the reasons why i hate coming online: seeing work to do ): hate it know. it's like when i open my email and ta-da! chinese lit essay due dunno when, i just go NOOOOOO and hurry up close the screen. what a huge procrastinator i am (:

anyhows, these 2 days had been fabulous. (:

at least now there's something to look forward to in school. or rather, the journey home from school. come to think of it, life isn't such a drag anymore. (:

it's very scary yet heartwarming to know that there's this person out there who is like 95% totally me. (even the very detailed details, which i dont wish to talk about here). :D

anw, went out with b is for big sister ytd and today (today was totally random cuz it wasn't planned). ytd to watch movie and today to eat popeyes. haha it's like my first time eating popeyes (what a toot i am) and boy, it's nice :D at first the mashed potatoes were like weird. but after a while, i was so hoooked onto it! and the double chocolate brownie is yumyum too! (no it's not gravel with chocolate sauce). and we were like cheap skate kids drinking some cheap bottle on the bench, which gives no kick at all. last night's one was good. haha ribena with sparkling juice (obviously mine, cuz i'm totally underage) and arnold palmer. (: it's damn fun to go out with someone older, cuz you can do all sorts of things like watch m-18 movies and do illegal stuff, and no one would care (: okay, if my mum sees this im dead. shall stop here. but anyhows, it does no justice to post such a freakin short paragraph for 2 fun days out. but like you know, i feel rather insecure bout who reads my blog and all, so yeah if you wanna know just ask me. (: of course, there are some details that really really cannot be told. if not, my image would be totally screwed (you know what im talking about -winks)

haiz, sometimes blogging is such a waste of time (oh no please stop me im into the "blogging is useless" mood again, like 5 months ago). seriously, i cannot really really say what i want to say out here. and it's sometimes just a facade. oh wells, maybe it's time to move on to livejournal for me? where i can create private posts and all. (:

meanwhile, the dinner with yiwei on thursday was good! oh gosh, we really could start off from where we left off the other time (like 3 months ago) and everything just felt so same again. i really love my bbutt. (: haha but it was such a pity that i had so many things so say, but my shitty throat has failed and i have this very very croaky sexy voice now. which explains why i sound like a man. and it doesnt help that the taiwan immersion teacher today totally thought that it was a guy who was speaking, when it was me actually. ):

my organisation structure of this blog sucks, and if you are ever a gp teacher, i would have totally failed already. back to the point, dempsey's the new love :D :D :D went with b is for big sister ytd and i totally heart heart dempsey and her (: should really go back and explore again someday and try out ps cafe (which mt and jim totally love), and the choc marshmallow cake is like OMG OMG.

there's a lot of things i want to say now, but can't really remember, either that or quite hard to express out with my limited vocab. meanwhile, here's a song i love (i know i've posted it up before), but recently, it really really held deep meaning. and it's like the ideal song any guy can sing to make my heart melt. (:

Greatest Story Ever Told - Oliver James

Thank you for this moment
I've gotta say how beautiful you are
Of all the hopes and dreams I could have prayed for
Here you are

If I could have one dance forever
I would take you by the hand
Tonight it's you and I together
I'm so glad I'm your man

And if I lived a thousand years
You know I never could explain
The way I lost my heart to you
that day
but if destiny decided I should look the other way
then the world would never know
the greatest story ever told
and did I tell you that I love you
tonight

I don't hear the music
When I'm looking in your eyes
But I feel the rhythm of your body
Close to mine

It's the way we touch, it soothes me
It's the way we'll always be
your kiss your pretty smile
you know i'd die for
oh baby
you're all i need

tonight

1:23 pm, Friday, July 04, 2008

"stich" is a taboo word.

10:33 pm, Wednesday, July 02, 2008

it's all a facade.

actually everything in life is. (esp in tj hehe)

very rarely can we really open up to others and really be who we are.

and it's only when we find such a true pal, that we have to treasure that person even more.

thank you so much for being there (:

everyone of you who has made my life complete.

omg. i really really wish blogger has a lock now, because i really dont know who reads what and who reads not. ): apparently some people are reading and i dont know and this sucks. anyways, eclub meeting today was a total disappointment. i am disappointed with myself like the most. seriously, the attendance sucked. like 8 people. and it's even shittier when some people dont even cooporate. like it's very hard to get the members' attention already, and you are down there pushing the blame around and acting very smart. really, i dont see why u think you have so many things to do when all i can think of is like what 3 things? oh wells, no point pushing the blame around already.

got back cll test today. haha i finally passed cheea lit after soooo long! woohoo (: it's like a just pass but who cares la, considering the amount of time and effort i put in to study (which was like 2h only). at least im no longer the last in class anymore! (okay 2nd last) but still, hahaha all is well. (:

i guess we really didn't prepare to see this prob occuring. and contact time being cancelled just made things worse. and the stupid fonts cannot even work on the normal windows computer, that i got so pissed off and bought the cable to connect the mac and the projector, which costs me like 39bucks. ): i really hope that eclub wont die under me. 1st time only and it's so screwed up. argh ):

i should stop living in self-denial and work harder to create nicer powerpoint slides. eclub mtg was as good as i thought it would be, but it's okay, there's always next week! :D

i bet the whole world is as disappointed in me as i am in myself, esp those that came. i bet they think what lousy crap is this and how shittypoooey i am. but on the other hand, why do i care so much bout what others think? okay okay, please get a grip of yourself pearlyn, and just hang in there and make the 2nd mtg a blast. yes, it will be. (: i hope. nono. yes it WILL be. oh dammit, why isn't the self-psycoing thing working on me today!! ):

played with the stupid tongtong machine with b is for big sister at tampines mall today, and guess what, stich came out again! urgh i dunno why is that that everytime i play with the machine, i ALWAYS get stitch no matter what. and that sucks. ):

*pearlynisilveronicanadahairloweenblowingatmesototallyguanbinladenDENGx4.

why isn't the "empowering ladies and leaders of tomorrow" rubbing off me?!? ):

life is so full of contradictions. ):

kill me, i just lost my voice. ):

10:39 pm, Tuesday, July 01, 2008

many many things are happening right now my head's spinning in a whirl. i'm living in a state of fear and denial. and shock and worry. and contentment and resentment. and of stress and relaxation. yeah contradictory (again as usual) i know. but really.

tmr's my first meeting with eclub. i'm so damn worried that the powerpoint will screw up. that the bod wont be able to work together. that the meeting will overshoot, or be too short or smth. that tomorrow will be in a state of chaos. urgh. sigh, and it's true (and sad to say) that eclub isn't my top piority now, and i'm in no right to say that the other bod members are not putting in the effort and commitment to eclub, since even me, the md is not giving it my all. i should freakin change my last minute attitude and start working earlier, instead of like worrying at the last minute. but it really pisses me off that the bod members (some) are like wanting to leave early in the meeting. if it's valid reason, i can understand. but every week?! and i can't believe that everyone wanted a subcomm cause things were "too much to cope". okay, i know that you have no clue wth i am talking about, haha it's just rants. and reflections. just skip on to the next post if this is a sore to your eyes. (:

but anyhows, i guess all i can do now is to totally set a good example and devote more time to eclub! instead of like going out to eat ice cream with liting at ice cream chefs (hehehe), but the ice cream at ice cream chef is indeed YUMYUM.

and speaking of the meeting tmr, i dont know why im getting so traumatised over it. maybe it's cuz as much as i love my macbook, i have to admit that i'm such a total macbook noob, that i dont even know that macbook cannot attatch the freakin cable of the projector to it! damn damn. and the powerpoints made on mac totally will be screwed up when viewed on windows, vice versa. equals to i have to redo the powerpoint on the lao kok kok tablet lying on my sister's table. ): and i cant create nice powerpoints like angel. ): speaking of which, i am so super afraid that we can't live up to the expectations of what other have of us, that we are such a disappointing batch and that we are a failure to live on the legacy the previous like what, 5 batches have left behind. ):

but i guess that it is times like these that we really discover who we really are. our strengths and weaknesses. i've been through worse and i can and will go through this. (: it's only a damn meeting, come to your senses pearlyn! if you think you are alone, please reassure yourself that you are not. i think i need to trust my bod more. really really. i am not alone. i am not alone. i am not alone.

at the bod mtg ytd, we totally set an aim for ourselves, to increase the profile of tj eclub and change the impressions of what the others think of us. as long as we hold on together, and learn to open up and trust each other more, i think it is coming very near to realisation. well, at least the so-called power struggle (which i totally am not involved in, thank god) is subsiding already, and we are getting to know each other more, and that's good! (:

i totally love the paperchase + rainbow stripes notebook which is now my official eclub notebook. (: it helps me organise my thoughts and all my hopes and dreams for the club. was reading through the message by angel on the first page, and i really draw strength from it. self-psyco-ing works! "your role is to keep up the positivity and hopeful spirits of your directors. once doubts start to fog your visions as a family, you guys have to hold and support each other and keep going strong, no matter what" because pearlyn, dreams do come true.

come to think of it, it'd been 5 long years. pokpok was just telling me that i must be firm. since 5 years ago, when i first stepped up as a junior councillor, to sec 3 , being a councillor and like project director for i&e, i have never booked like anyone (except that time when mrs neo totally told me to book this girl, and i didnt even have a pen with me!, and times when i do gate duty). gosh. and i really really seem like a very nice and kind person?!?! like a pushover (omg esp by that soe person today, grr). i need to stop being such a failure and a pushover. there are times when i have to learn to stick by what i want, and go for it. and even push people around. that's what pokxy said, sounds harsh? but worth a try. i don't believe that after 5 freakin years and i still cannot master the art of being firm. i should totally go commit suicide if i still cannot make it after this year man. ):

but of course, it aint only eclub that's bugging me now. i wish blogger can be like livejournal and have private posts. den i can totally make this post private. and write all my heartfelt thoughts here. ): i thought my home was where i feel secure, can like unwind after a whole long day, and really just be myself and think about life a little. but now, it's no longer the shelter of security. ): i cant stand going back everyday and hear the same things all over again. and with so many things happening outside, it's not helping that i still have to deal with the things at home. ): i need you to understand what i'm going through, but it's damn hard for me to even put the message across.

come to think of which, i doubt i can pass my jct ): 2 h2 passes is super hard now, considering the fact that i already have a S for h1 math. and although i haven't gotten back the econs paper, 11/25 for the damn essay is bad. and ms wong totally told me tt i am last in class for case study or smth, that i did damn badly. sigh, so maybe like 5/40? and now i have 16/65. i totally need 31/100 for a subpass, and 38 for a pass. that means like 15 marks and above for my next essay? gone case. cause it's totally out of point. chinese lit tomorrow! so exciting. i really wanna find out how much i can squeeze out with 2h of last minute studying, like 2h before the paper, over lunch summore. (:

pw is such a waste of time.

i need to get my life back.

let's pon sch on friday (the day when pearlyn is forever absent, hehe)

can't wait to meet my bbutt yiwei soon! :D :D

i am thankful for all the wonderful stuff, people, places, happenings in my life. we can't have everything, but that doesn't mean we dont have anything. we can't do everything, but that doesn't mean we can't do anything. thank you for being you.

"if you want to be happy, be"

10:14 pm, Monday, June 30, 2008

1. seriously hossan last night was seriously good. i am so in love with him. and his singing. and the songs picked. and the company. (heart) (heart) i think i am going crazy. hossan leong is the bomb. his brother is rather cute too. that's it man, i'm so gonna listen to 98.0 his morning talk show on my way to sch tmr. i hope i wont die laughing on the bus.

2. thanks angel and angel's mummy for fetching me to sch today! (: haha stupid BSB, and ew so gross cannibalism blog post. i'm thinking whether i should put the gory post here. haha no harm eh? since no one reads anyway (: congrats on passing maths angel! :D

3. "empowering ladies and leaders of tomorrow". how true. i'm so proud of yuqi for being in exco! yay 3 cheers to my dear! :D i know you've always wanted that right? dreams do come true! and i'm extreamly proud of my dear pokpok yuexi for being CRESCENTIAN OF THE YEAR! you get your name engraved on that weird plague to be displayed at the go. (: 3 cheers for pokpok! haha and for me, i'm gonna go back for speech day on the 26th to get my silver award. gahh. better than nothing i suppose. and serena's in council! seeeee leaders of tmr. haha crescent lives up to her legacy.

4. visit back to crescent today (again) with adelicia, shuyi and lois! haha camwhored like siao. and i think i'm going back too often, teachers dont find it surprising to see me around anymore. not like it was in the first place.

5. rushed back from crescent to hold the first bod meeting today. not as bad as i thought. we can work quite well huh (: well, somehow, in the last 10min i guess. at least we managed to plan out 4 meetings? yay clap clap clap

6. i can't believe i got more than a single digit of maths. (: 24/55. fail but still, haha it's no longer single digits omg. i think ms lin will be so proud of me. (:

7. seems like i cannot get my absolut colours already ):

From the Avenue Q musical (which i'm dying to watch. and cannot get the $15 tickets for; which hossan totally sang last night) - meaning of the song is so for pokpok. haha i really hope things on her side will last. (:

There's a fine, fine line

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

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